Like many others, I have been going to church my entire life. My parents were pastors, and we were held to a strict standard at home. I was always involved in church, but only because I was required to do so. I was not a ‘troubled child,’ and I believe that I had an overall pleasant childhood. However, growing up, I had a view of God that was primarily based on fear and a duty to earn my way into Heaven by avoiding sin at all costs. Every day, I would fail in some aspect and feel like if I died in that moment, that I would go to hell. Nightly, I would pray a prayer of repentance and plead with God for another day to do better, only to repeat an endless cycle. I never had the desire to be a rebellious child, but simply had given up on trying not to sin and would pray for forgiveness and move on. I kept up a great appearance externally, and that kept people from noticing the ongoing internal battle within my spirit. I knew that I needed to fully surrender my control to God.

     As a young adult, I had given up on any sense of freedom and wore the chains of guilt and condemnation. In July of 1996 I got married and Angel and I tried to conceive a child. But a year later I was confronted by the news that I could not bear children. A close friend was very persistent and asked me about my relationship with God and to talk to a pastor. I reluctantly agreed to her invitation. There I found myself,